wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
