so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
