You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
