you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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