what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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