Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
