I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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