There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
