dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
