It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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