Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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