Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
