It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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