i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
