I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Randomize
