I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Randomize
