I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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