I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
