she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
