Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
