So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
