I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
