maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
