I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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