My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
