Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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