So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
