This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
