when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
