So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
