Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
