It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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