hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
