i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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