Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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