he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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