I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
