I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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