Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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