Apparently you make a good broom.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
