What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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