some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
