Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
