New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
