my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
