so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
