I heard we made out
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
