but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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