im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
