I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I believe in your delicious
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
