he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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